Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize