Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
