I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
