Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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