She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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