I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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