we're chasing vodka with high fives
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize