I hate your face
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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