All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
