You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
