i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
