you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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