I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Randomize
