Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize