How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
