My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
