Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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