That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
