i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
