1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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