It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
