I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Randomize
