I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
