totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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