if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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