It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
