I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
