I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
