mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I'm both gender and math confused
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
