let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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