im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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