**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
So many bounce houses so little time
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
did you just send me my own nude
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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