On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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