6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
