So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
