i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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