I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
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