Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
