i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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