my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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