i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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