You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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