I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
