im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize