we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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