This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Randomize
