I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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