im having a threesome with these popsicles
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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