I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
