The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize