You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Randomize
