this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i love accidental penises.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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