Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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