I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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