if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
