standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
