i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I believe in your delicious
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