So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
