I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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