In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I enjoy the company of your penis
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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