Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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