i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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