My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
