Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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