you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
