I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
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