i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
