Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize