My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
