I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
