he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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