i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
