3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
