i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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